Bum Luck

As I was doing my weekly grocery shopping today I notice a middle aged woman in a green shirt following me around the store. It's obvious when someone is following you if you make sudden changes in direction, do a lap around the store and the person is still there, or tries to non-chalantly walk passed you in an isle only to double back to what every isle you go to next. I concluded quickly, and correctly, that she was the store detective. Once I had as much fun as I could derive from making her follow me in a circutous route around the store, I went to a register and paid for my groceries. As I was walking out, just as I predicted, the woman stopped me.
"Excuse me sir, could I talk to you for a second." she said in a tone that was less asking than demanding.
"Certainly" I replied as I repressed a smug smile.
"I'm the store detective and I saw you shop lift just now. Lets go to my office and I'll have you empty your pockets. Please come with me or I'll have to call the RCMP and they'll deal with you"
"Really?" I asked "what did I steal?" At this point I was contemplating emaressing her infront of real cops, but I decided against it. It would take too long.
"I saw you take some chocolates and put them in your pocket. Now please come with me to my office."
"No need, I can empty my pockets right here. It'll be a good example to the other riff raff." Saying this, I could see the sense of triumph fading quickly from her face. Putting down by bags, I turned my hip and back pockets inside out and let her pat down my cargo pockets. "Satisfied?" I asked.
"Sorry sir, it's just a precausion. Have a nice day." she said with a distinct look of embarassment and started towards her office.
"That's okay, catch me next time I guess." In the back of my mind, I also thought "That's right, now make like good spam and go jump down someone else's throat."
I was feeling so damn smug and riteous that when a homeless fellow asked me for some food a minute later I magnanimously gave him one of my jars of peanut butter (1kg, $3.29). In retrospect I should have given him my loaf of bread, but then I wouldn't have had anything to spread the peanut butter on. Had he asked for money as some of the usual White Ave bums did five minutes later I would have refused as usual, but I was feeling good and thought that a good deed would round out my day nicely. Besides, I doubt that he can trade Jiffy for Jack Daniels.