How to handle solicitors

The too much information method:
Will – Hello, this is not Ikea.
Girl on the other end – Uh . . . Hello, Mr. [usual mispronunciation of my last name, indicating either a solicitor or professor]?
Will – Yeah, that’s me. Sorry about how I answered, it’s just that I get a lot of calls for Ikea.
Girl – Oh, well . . . (going into her well rehearsed monologue) I’m with [name of charity]. Did you know that every year thousands of children die of HIV and AIDS related diseases? And that most of these children are orphans because their parents have already died of said diseases? Most of these children contracted this horrible disease at birth, of no fault of their own . . . [ a minute and a half later] which is why a donation would mean so much. Now, we have a $300 level of donation or six $150 donations level. Which would better suit you today?
Will – First of all, that was clearly a very well rehearsed spiel, you didn’t even falter once. You should be rather proud of your self. Second of all, I’m sorry but I’m really quite broke and so I won’t be making any donation at all. Sorry.
Solicitor – May I say again that many of these children are homeless. A mere $300 a month would provide them with shelter, food and treatment. I’m told that our organization is the only one that is raising money to help these children, and your donation would also go to hire doctors and nurses to help the children. Can I put you down for a $50 or $75 dollar donation then?
Will – Perhaps you didn’t get me a moment ago. I’m broke, penniless, barely able to care for my own needs, let alone those of someone in some country I’ll never visit. I’ve been uninsured myself for the last four years. If I get sick, I’m hooped! If you were to call me next month, you’d find that my phone was disconnected due to my inability to pay the bill.
Solicitor – Well sir, I know that you’re a good person and would donate if you could. If everyone I talked to made a donation of $25, then we’d be able to help thousands of children with HIV. I’m sure that you can make a $25 donation. If I could just get your information, we’d be happy to send you a tax receipt so you can deduct your generous contribution.
Will - Okay, first of all, you don’t know I’m a good person. You just assume, or at least say that to make me feel good. For all you know, you called and interrupted a rather in depth session of mutilating hamsters. You didn’t by the way, I’m just saying. Besides, I got bored with that hours ago.
Solicitor – What!? Oh my God!
Will - Anyway, I’m not going to donate simply because I don’t care. I lied earlier. I actually do have plenty of money to donate, but haven’t supped on the milk of human kindness in sufficiently long that I’m rather inclined to just keep it. I couldn’t care less if the surplus population of Kenya or Somalia or wherever dropped of the face of the earth.
Solicitor – Uhhh . . . wha? So um, oh, okay. Have a nice evening.
Will – Please don’t hang up. You’re the first person to call me in a month. I’m so alone.
[Click]