When Harriet Met Charlie

I'm sad to comment that Harriet, the Galapogos tortoise brought back by Charles Darwin 173 years ago, has died of acute heart failure. It has been popularly suggested for a long time that these animals could live for over 200 years, but no specimen has been kept long enough to actually be sure. One thing that interests me is that some people are reporting that Darwin brought back the tortoise as a baby, while others contend that she was already mature when collected. If the later is true, then it is certainly possible that she was over 200 when she died. The question seems to be now "what do we do with the 330 lb corpse?" Some might argue that burial would be the most respectful thing to do, but I think that a large amount of information can be extracted from this incredibly ancient animal. For instance, tissue samples should be taken for genetic analysis, which would be useful for studies of genetic drift among galapogos tortoises, or useful for studies of aging. Furthermore, each of the organs would tell talented researchers a bit about aging and reptile health. The massive skeleton should be deposited in a museum; either in Brisbane or London.

Never trust the people at Home Depot

I was at a plant sale last weekend, and noticed there was a single large, columnar cactus cutting for sale. Intrigued, I inquired as to its origin. The salesperson told me they were from South America, and could be propagated by simply planting the cutting in some sandy soil. It sounded like a fun project, an a good one for a hermit who likes to take off for weeks on end (when they are not slave to a work-a-day lifestyle), so I picked up one and was on my way.
When I got home, I began scouring guidebooks and the internet for more information on cactus care and growth. I found one webpage on the succulents that were spiritually important to South American indigenous cultures, with a picture that looked a lot like what I had just brought home. Excited to begin propagating this thing, I took a picture of it, planning to take more pictures as it grew and budded off into different sections. It was a rather innocuous cactus, and I wondered why it was so important to the cultures of the lands from whence it came.
Finally, I found another webpage that matched the description of this cactus. The picture was identical to my newly purchased cutting. The cactus, either Lophophora williamsii or Anhalonium lewinii, was said to contain large quantities of mescaline.

the rest of the story in fullpost

Wanting confirmation of this identification, I decided to take the cutting over to my botanist friend’s house. I thought it strange that a mescaline-filled cactus would end up at a plant sale at the storefront of a chain hardware store. I wrapped it up in tissue paper that evening, and set out. As I walked, I rounded a corner and noticed several police officers standing on the corner by the donut shop I was approaching. Nervous, as I suspected my new purchase contained enough illegal drugs to put me away for a long, long time, I quickened my pace. They were eying me quizzically.
There was nowhere to turn. My instincts told me to get off the street as quickly as possible; however, that would have likely aroused their suspicions, as they had seen me see them eying the package under my arm. Having had a previous encounter with the LA County Police Department, I was not eager to incite their wrath. As I approached, one officer spoke to me.
“OK, we just gotta know, what is that package you’re carrying under your arm?”
Mescaline, I replied in my head, and looked at him blankly, trying to appear as though I wasn’t sure I was being addressed. He stepped in front of me, making it obvious that I was the target of his inquiry.
“You, see, my buddies here have a bet going. One thinks it’s a bottle of wine, and the other thinks it’s a sub sandwich.”
I decided to go for it.
“It’s a gardening cactus!” I replied, and unwrapped the oblong cutting and handed it to him.
“Hey guys, come check this out! You were both wrong! It’s a cactus!” I watched in horror as the three officers passed around the cutting, laughing at their mistake, and I mumbled something about my aunt giving me a cutting. After an eternity, satisfied, they handed it back to me.
I fumbled it. The cutting smashed open on the sidewalk. The officers apologized, and said they hoped my aunt’s plant was big enough to handle having another cutting taken. I walked off in the direction of my botanist friend’s house until I was out of sight, then looped around and went back home, as I had nothing to show him.
Then I remembered the photo I had taken, taken back when I dreamed of an illustrated cactus-growing project how-to, since my “How to Deflesh a Magpie” photographic tutorial received such rave reviews. I emailed it to my botany pal. The next day I got a reply.
Indeed, it was a cactus full of mescaline, and probably could have sold it to some dirty patchouli-scented hippie for a ridiculous amount of money. Oh well.
Incidentally- phenethalamine, the "love drug" in chocolate and Root Beer is only about three methyl groups away from being mescaline.

Readers? What readers?

Sorry for not posting anything lately, but life hasn't really presented me with anything that has enough energy to motivate me to write. In response to this work a day lifestyle I ask for you, my friends and readers, to do one of two things. Please either suggest something for me to write about or write a post as though you were me and submit it for me to post. Submissions may be made to wgelnaw@gmail.com. I'll call it guest post week or something, but as long as people submit stuff, I'll likely post it, no matter how asinine. The funnier or more exciting the better. For those of you who actually know me, this is a good chance for you to practice roasting a colleague.

Everyone's Blind But Me!

Does being able to see things that others don't mean that you're crazy or that you just have good eyes. If it's a dark grey fish on medium grey shale - good eyes, if it's UFO's - crazy. Things are kind of weird at work. I'm the only one there who doesn't actually contribute to effictive developement of the land, I'm the lone conserver. As such, nobody ever asks me anything besides "did you find any dinosaurs today." I've given up telling them that they're digging in the completely wrong rocks to find dinosaurs and that only a small handful of dinosaur bones have even ever been found in California. Mostly the foreman and the grade checker just sort of stare at me as they go by and as I walk around in a seemingly aimless pattern with my head down like I'm some sort of doped up mental patient who's wondering why the doctors ordered his shoe laces be taken away. That kind of person doesn't belong in a construction zone, but I do though. So the looks are kind of weird and the fact that conversation has degraded to one guy telling me about telling me about running marathons and another guy telling me how stupid Stalin was for ordering his air force to shoot down any UFO that they encountered because alian ships would be impervious to human weapons.
Other than that, I'm getting pretty good at dodging the machinary (not that I was failing to do so before). One might be surprized to discover that a bulldozer can actually sneak up on you, at least when you've got the roar of the two engines of each of 6 scrapers in your ears. Fear's a hell of a motivator though. When I realized that I was about 15 feet and three seconds away from being a greasy smear int the dirt I managed to climb up the trench wall pretty fast. I dare say that a coked up spider monkey couldn't have done it any faster.

Taxation Without Justification

I received my Canada Revenue Agency tax refund today. It's nice to receive a check, it just blows that it is about one tenth of what it should be. I was supposed to get back all of withheld pay, which amounted to over two thousand dolars. Instead, I got a check for $216. The real problem is that I work during any hours that I might be able to call up the CRA to correct this mess or at least find out why I'm getting the shaft.
In other news, work is going well except that the direct deposit of my pay seems to take a while. I did however get the check re-embursing me for the gasoline used in driving to and from the job site. I'm also slowly increasing the number of snakes in my comparitive collection. It has now gone from 0 to 3; two western pacific rattle snakes and one california king snake. I would have a couple snakes from South Dakota in the collection if it weren't for a little incident involving the snakes and several birds and mammals and the fact that I left them in a freezer that didn't have any electricity going to it for a week. Oh well, c'est la vie I suppose.